It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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