I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We had sex on a dog bed..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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