i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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