I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
