What a fucking waste of an outfit
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
