meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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