Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
