i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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