everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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