maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
