Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
