did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
