There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
