At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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