Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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