I can't watch pbs sober anymore
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
