I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
