Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
