pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
false alarm, still single
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
