he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
