I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
