Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
