Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
