just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
