i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
