dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i drank out of a bidet.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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