That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
