I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
