My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
