i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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