does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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