i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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