yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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