Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
