Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
