I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
