my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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