I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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