then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize