I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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