So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
