just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
