I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
