im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
