when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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