yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
