would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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