I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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