sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
