allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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