I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
