A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
