I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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