Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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