Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
