I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
