I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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