I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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