she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
