I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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