dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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