meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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