Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
