and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
