so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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